On where I’ve been

Several people have asked me over the past several months to bring my blog back; that I wrote well and expressed things from the heart; that my topics were never dull and were entertaining.

The truth is, I wore out. I ran out of things I wanted to talk about. I tried so hard to focus on regular features rather than expressing my inner thoughts that I burned myself out.

I didn’t want to tell you guys about how things really had been since George lost his second job in six months.

I didn’t want to talk about how I had almost lost my home because my $10/hour job wasn’t making ends meet.

I didn’t want to tell you guys how I had become a statistic, living paycheck to paycheck, praying that my husband’s unemployment would eventually be granted after repeated denial.

I was ashamed that I had to borrow over $2500 from family just so that we could catch up on his lost income.

I didn’t want to tell you guys that my husband lost his job because he had taken a day for himself after his cousin’s suicide.

I didn’t want to belittle the company I worked for by explaining that there was no raise in sight for me and that, as a matter of fact, my income had recently been cut by $100/ month. It was $100 I needed to pay for the gas for our one car. It was the $100 I used to pay for our internet bill. Though I told my editor it wasn’t a big deal, it really was. It was everything to us.

In January, we had finally reached a “do or die” point. George was applying for jobs anywhere.. including places he would never set foot into as a consumer. We were desperate. In all, my husband applied to over 75 jobs. None of them panned out. He was asked to a grand total of two interviews. One of which, turned out to be a scam.

We felt defeated.

I finally had to bite the bullet and apply for jobs myself. I decided the field in which I spent five years in college for wasn’t working for us. I had to go where the money was reliable; where an occasional raise was a guarantee rather than a pipe dream.

I went back to customer service.

It felt like I was dealing with the devil. I went against everything I had promised to myself. I had left At&t three years prior after a series of nervous breakdowns. I was a shell of myself by the time I stepped out of the field. I was worn down, drug out and morale had never been lower there.

I applied to work at another communications company and I gave that interview everything I had, knowing that the future of my family, my home and my dignity relied on those next 60 minutes of my life. I nailed it. I hit the ball out of the park and within a half hour of leaving the interview, I was offered the job. I was to be making two dollars more per hour with a regular 8-5 shift with monthly bonuses.  I didn’t hesitate. I said yes, I’d take it.

I was still the only income in the family. I had no choice but to.

I apprehensively walked in to my job that next Monday morning, sat down with my editor and told him I was quitting. He said he was surprised I survived there as long as I had and that I had given it a good go. Few had made it as long as I had at that job and that working two years on third shift was not something he could have ever done.

I started my new job on Tuesday, January 22, 2013 with hope. I was doing something new all over again. I was at a new company and felt invincible. I just knew we were going to be OK.

Then, I walked through the front doors to a company announcement I never saw coming.

My new company that I had started just five minutes prior had just been sold….

… to At&t.

In essence, in five minutes, I had come full circle and felt that I had suddenly descended into a pit of hell. The joke was on me. I was convinced I was screwed. Royally.

I flashed back to having to pull over to the side of the road that June afternoon three years prior in a full blown panic attack. I had remembered how my manager there chose to show no respect to her employees and how it was the ‘norm’ there. I flashed back also the euphoria I felt when I finally let the company go.

For the rest of that first day, I took on the deer-in-the-headlight look as I felt I had walked into a trap. However, I told myself to keep my cool. Conversations with multiple friends assured me that much had changed at At&t in three years.

It gave me hope. And now, as the sale approaches finalization, I still maintain that hope. I know there’s good on the other side of that wall. It’s just a matter of weighing what I need more… the good things or the bad?

George’s unemployment finally came through in February, as did a full-time job for him.

And so, now with life back into a normal routine again, I feel I can sit down and express myself again. I realize that when everything was happening, perhaps I should have been telling you about it. That just perhaps, many of you would have been going through the same.

Perhaps I would have given someone some hope themselves that things would work out in the end, somehow.

Maybe I would have found someone to relate to and that would understand; One less person who would accuse my husband of ‘not trying hard enough’ to find a job. Someone who would understand that sometimes just ‘taking any job’ would have actually put us in a worse position than ‘taking the right job’.

Maybe now, I will find it in myself to keep writing; to not focus on just one thing to write about and not try to keep up a regular series or feature…. to just write.

I think that’s best.


About gespurr

Emily was born in Southwestern Louisiana and has moved over 20 times in her life through nine different states. Most of her life was spent in the Twin Cities of Minnesota, where she met her husband and had her only child. Both she and her husband are also only children. She graduated from Stillwater (MN) High School in 1992 and from the University of Wisconsin in 1997 with a BS in Journalism. Three years later, she met her husband, George, and they married in 2002. Their daughter, Kathryn, was born early in 2004. She relocated with her family back to Arkansas in 2005 after being away for 30 years. She currently works as a customer service representative for an insurance company and lives in North Little Rock. When not taking care of her daughter she is either cooking, working, cleaning house, sewing, gardening, knitting, crocheting hiking, traveling or spending time with her husband.

Posted on August 25, 2013, in Family & Marriage, Parenting. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Glad to hear you are writing again !! You go it well !!

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